Duck’s prep new missile for first strike against UO’s academic side

UOM agents have acquired photographic evidence that the new Hayward Field “cell phone tower” – Diane Dietz story here – is actually a disguised Intermediate Range Ballistic Missile, now in the final stages of fueling.

The Duck athletic department, whose leadership has long viewed UO’s faculty as an existential threat, now appears to have the most of the academic side of campus – excepting the new Knight Campus – well within their destructive range.

Administration insiders have reiterated past promises that they would consider a Duck missile launch against the faculty and students as “just cause for firing” under the AD’s new contract – or at least shave a little off his bonuses.

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4 Responses to Duck’s prep new missile for first strike against UO’s academic side

  1. Conservative Duck says:

    MUOGA! Not quite as catchy, even I have to admit…

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  2. honest Uncle Bernie says:

    One of my intelligence sources tells me that the deal with the AD not to nuke the faculty is about as sturdy as the nuke deal with Iran. When I said that surely the people who made the deal with Iran knew what they were doing, he said to me “Sure, that’s what they said about the people who made the deal with N. Korea. Look where we’re at now.”

    I’m just reporting what my source told me; I hope that doesn’t constitute a macroagression on my part against anyone connected with those august nations. Just as I hope that UOM has never committed a macroagression against the UO AD — the program or the person. Not ever!

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  3. Philo (of Byzantium) says:

    Oh puhlease. The SAIL students can take that down.

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